Idle hands are the devil's play pen
by Emilie
Summary: Xander has a little surprise. This is a IdleHands/BtVs Crossover but not as horrible as you'd think.


Title: Idle Hands are the devils play pin.   
Author: Emilie   
Rating: PG-13   
Disclaimer: I don't Own BtVs or any of the characters.. I don't own any of the Idle hands   
characters either. Ha. I just stole the plot line and twisted it to fit my needs.. woo.   
Feedback: Will work for...   
Distribution: It's going here- http://www.emiliekitten.cjb.net you can   
have it if you want it. Just ask.   
Authors Note: I just bought Idle Hands. Got Inspired. Yep. Some of the stuff in here   
probably won't add up from what was said in the movie but.. oh well. 

For Everyone who loves Seth, and Misses Oz. 

Spike sat in his chair. Xander lay in his bed snoring, Spike sat there and glared at him.   
How dare that boy sleep so soundly with a *bad ass* Killer in the room?! Spike deserved   
some respect.. some respect.. damnit. He glared some more wishing him nightmares.   
Then something weird started to happen. Xander's hand started moving under the   
blankets. Twitching. Spike growled.. he certainly wasn't going to.. 

Xander sat up, his eyes were still closed. His single hand shoot out in front of him like a   
Zombie.. of course this little twit wouldn't make a half decent Zombie. Too not dead. 

The hand quirked a little as if checking Spike out. He was bound to the stupid chair and   
he growled at it. It lead the still sleeping Xander out the basement door and Spike   
watched arching a eyebrow. 

"Sod." He mumbled before snuggling back against the cheap vinyl and drifting off into   
bloody dreams, praying somebody hit the sleep walking Xander. 

--Next Morning--   
Xander groaned and rolled over and glared at the sleeping vampire. He felt like crap and   
the vamp had a unconscious grin on his face. Probably dreaming of that Drusilla chick..   
ewww bad gross thoughts. Xander mentally shook himself out of the gross dream state.   
He glanced at the clock, crap he was late for work. 

He'd finally found a somewhat steady job.. Bucky's Fondue Hut ironically enough. He   
was bus boy. Joy. 

He pulled back the blankets and swung his feet onto the cold floor and shivered wiggling   
his toes a little. Then he noticed it. His feet had mud all over them.. hum. He moved his   
hand down to clean some of the mud off and noticed his shirt was covered in blood.   
Xander's eyes got huge as he glanced in his bed. There lay a huge fire-man ax covered in   
blood.. Xander screamed. 

~*~End One~*~ 

Spike's eyes snapped open at the girly screams. Xander was jumping around babbling and   
pointing at the bed and Spike stared slack jawed. 

The clock radio snapped on in just the wrong moment. "Two killed last night on the   
campus of UC Sunnydale.. both it seems were killed, one body has been identified as one   
Parker Abrums.. the other has yet to be unidentified.." Xander stared at the radio and   
yanked it out of the wall. 

"YOU!! YOU DID THIS!!" Xander screamed waving an accusing finger at the peroxide   
blond vampire. 

"Me?" Spike asked baffled smelling the crusted coppery scent all over the bed and   
Xander. 

"Yes!! Your pissed because I tied you down again! Just because you stole Giles car! You   
deserved to be punished and you.. your trying to scare the crap out of me!" Xander   
looked like even he didn't believe himself. 

His hand came up and started slapping himself on the head. Xander stared. He squeaked   
and Spike grinned. He almost wished he'd thought of doing something to this affect.. it   
was having a wonderful affect on the boys mental stability. 

"And how am I doing that, oh brilliant one?" Spike asked casually waiting to be untied   
and getting a bit impatient. 

Xander slapped his hand down at his side and gave Spike the Evil eye. "what's wrong   
with me?! I gotta call.. Giles.. no Wills! No.. Anya.. No.. Buffy!! No.. Wills!! Yeah!!" He   
grabbed the phone and started slamming in Willow and Buffy's phone number. 

"Hi you've reached Buffy and Willow..." the message said in Buffy's cool voice. Xander   
growled into the phone and slammed it down. 

"Giles? He'll know what to do.. yeah.. cause he's know it all guy." Xander sat down   
heavily on the bed and yelped when the ax slid down by his side. He inched away from it. 

"Mind untying me, Slick, and I can tell you what I saw?" Xander wrung his hands and   
glanced at them disgusted at the blood dried around his finger nails. He jumped up and   
washed them in the sink. Then he went and untied the vamp who immediately after being   
untied lit a smoke. 

"What happened?" 

"Look, I didn't see much. You got outta bed and left and came back in around dawn, three   
or four hours ago. With that Ax and blood all over you, you just climbed back into bed   
and snuggled up with the old wood chipper, I don't think you ever even woke up. You   
know, sleep walking or some shit like that." Spike said with a shrug. 

Xander stared. That's when Oz stumbled into the back door covered in blood. 

~*~End 2~*~ 

~*~   
Xander stared at Oz as he stared at Xander. "Xander.. I need.." 

"You need!!" Xander exclaimed unhappily. Spike bit back a laugh. "You need,   
you need to go! Get away! You broke Willow's heart and and. . I killed   
people! AND!!!" Xander made little flapping motions with his hands. 

Oz looked hurt. Well he really shouldn't have been hurt.. why should he be?   
He had broken Willow's heart. He'd destroyed her and now he was going to   
pay, and pay, and pay. He needed to pay so that he could then die and go to   
hell and pay s'more. But he couldn't very well pay when some crazy freak was   
trying to kill him. "Xander, somebody's trying to kill me.. I need your   
help.. " 

Xander stopped his flapping and cocked his head at Oz. "Somebody's trying to   
kill you?" 

"Yeah." 

"Like to make that a little bit more vague?" Xander asked and rolled his   
eyes. 

"Why would somebody be trying to kill you, short stuff?" Spike asked and   
gave a little laugh. Oz didn't even look at him. 

"Last night, somebody attacked me in the woods. I didn't get a good look at   
him cause it was dark.. I was outside in the van and somebody just came up   
and started hitting me they didn't say anything but as soon as I got into   
the van they disappeared." Oz said and took a deep breath. He hadn't said   
that much in months.. 

"So you didn't get a good look at um?" Spike asked Xander just stared. 

"Where was this?" Xander shot out directly after Spike. Oz looked confused   
on who to Answer first. 

"No. And it was about four blocks from the college.. I.. I've been trying to   
figure out a way to go see Willow and beg forgiveness." Oz said with a   
shrug. Xander shook his head. 

"You don't deserve it." He said coldly and then shook himself. "Sorry, I'm   
sort of freaked or else I'd prolly give you more sympathy. Why don't you   
talk to Sherlock Vamps over there he's good at this, works for the good now   
cause he likes kicking demon's asses." Spike growled at Xander. 

Oz just stared at him. "Look dog, I don't know how to help you. For all we   
know Dipstick over here probably attacked you last night." Xander's mouth   
fell open like a great carp. 

"It was me!" Xander said out of no where and Oz looked totally confused.   
Then realized Xander was covered in blood and took in the ax lying on the   
bed. "You wouldn't… you killed people?" 

"I was asleep! Sleep walking murder..wasn't that a move on Life Time?"   
Xander paused as if thinking Spike gave him an amused look. "Not that I   
Watch life time or anything!" He quickly caught up with himself. 

Oz shook his head. "I shoulda just gone to Giles."   
~*~ 

Xander, Oz, and Spike sat in Giles living room. The ex watcher was starring at them all   
in disbelief. "So, let me see if I have this correct.." He started removing his glasses and   
rubbing his nose. "Xander, is the murderer who killed those two boys last night and   
presumably attacked you Oz." Xander nodded, Oz just gave a slight movement of his   
neck that Giles took as a 'yes.' "And Spike, you say that Xander was sleep walking last   
night, and err, this morning Xander you woke up next to the Ax with blood.. on you."   
Xander nodded, Spike just shrugged his shoulders.   
  
"Giles, I didn't mean to.. I mean okay, so Parker was a big jerkface but that doesn't mean I   
was out to kill him. Honest. Do we know who the other guy was?" Xander said, almost   
afraid to know who else it had been. 

"I'm not sure.. it wasn't released, we could have Willow look in the coroners report." Oz's   
eyes snapped fully alert at the mention of Willow's name and he took a quick breath. 

"She doesn't know... I'm here." he muttered guiltily. 

Spike sighed. "Well then why don't you go tell her your back, I'm sure she'll jump you as   
soon as you walk in the door." Spike said as if it was completely obvious. He was   
rewarded by three daggerous glares. "What, you don't think so?" Giles rolled his eyes. 

"Buffy's probably gonna stake you, man." Xander said Oz nodded. 

"Yes, well, err. I suppose we could wait until this whole situation is done with before we   
inform Buffy and Willow that.. Oz is.. well back with us." Giles mumbled pulling out a   
handkerchief to wipe his clean spectacles. 

"Bloody hell, are you afraid of the witch or something?" Spike asked in disbelief. Oz just   
stared at him, Spike couldn't have any idea what was happening in his mind. What he'd   
put Willow through.. and then leaving.. he didn't deserve to be on the same planet as   
Willow. She was a goddess and he was the dirt she should walk on. 

"I can't do that to her." Oz said finally starring at his hands. 

"Oh but you could break her heart, and leave her. But you can't come back and beg for   
forgiveness." Xander said and his hand shot up. Xander eyes got huge. "I'm not doing it!"   
He exclaimed jumping up. His hand grabbed the nearest book and threw it at Oz's head.   
Oz ducked. "AGH" Xander screamed and grabbed his hand stuffing it under his right   
arm. "Not doing it, GILES" Giles stared in horror. 

"It seems to be some demonic.. err.. possession of some sort." Xanders arm flew up and   
his hand shot out going for Oz's throat. Oz dived out of the way just in time. "Xander,   
hold it down!" Spike watched this scene, finding it very entertaining. 

"Xander.. Do.. control your hand.." Giles rummaged through one of his ancient looking   
chests and pulled out a pair of coppery hand cuffs. "This should hold you." Xander was   
jumping around the room trying to hold his hand down. 

"Xander.. hop.. over.. here." Giles said trying to corral the boy into a corner so that he   
could hand cuff him. Xander's hand backhanded the Englishmen and Xander himself   
winced. Oz threw himself at Xander and they both crashed into a wall. "Sorry." Oz said   
and kept the hand pinned to the wall with his Body. 

Giles quickly recovered himself and went to where the two boys were struggling to keep   
control of the demonic hand. He quickly cuffed Xander's right hand and then grabbed his   
left arm, he snapped the hands together. Xander's hand twitched and they all let out a sigh   
of relief. 

That's when the chick came through the front door screaming "DIE DEVIL" and two   
shinning ghosts   
winged appeared through the wall. 

"Holy shit Mick, that guy looks like you." The redheaded ghost said and pointed at Oz. 

"Dude." Was all Mick could say. Oz stared. 

~*~End 4~*~ 

The chick came flying across the room. Xander screamed like a girly man and hid behind   
Giles. She had a knife. Giles held up his hands. "Now see here.. Miss.. Miss.." 

"Look Mister, I'm on a mission. I have to kill the Evil in that Lazy SOB's hand." The   
chick said trying to get past Giles. 

"HEY!" Xander yelled insulted. 

"Hey Mick, isn't that the chick who was trying to kill Anton?" Redheaded ghost said.   
Mick was starring at Oz, Oz was starring at Mick. 

"Shit, you look just like me." Mick said stating the obvious. "Maybe i got re-incarnated." 

"Your a ghost numb nuts." Pnub said "You can't be re-incarnated and a ghost." Mick   
glared at him and shrugged his winged shoulders. Spike was gawking at the amazonian   
like woman. 

"Look, we have him under control if you can just calm down.. I'm quite sure we can work   
things out." Giles tried to reason with her. The woman glared. 

"There's no way to calm down, the host of evil must be DESTROYED." She screamed   
into Giles face. He winced. 

"Hey, why don't you just do what Anton did?" Pnub said floating over to them. He looked   
at Spike strangely. "Hey, you look like the Idol guy.. Bob Idol." Spike gave him a weird   
look and plopped down on Giles couch to watch this scene unfold. 

"What'd Anton do!?" Xander asked his voice high. 

"Cute off his hand." Pnub said like it was the easiest thing in the world. Xander made a   
sound low in his throat. 

"No cutting hands! NO NO NO NO!" He ducked as the lady thrust the knife at him again.   
Giles was trying not to hit the woman. Damn man code of honor..   


"What the hell do you think your doing?!" Buffy screamed from the doorway and moved   
to help Xander. Willow stood was right behind her. Oz froze. She hadn't seen him yet.. 

Buffy grabbed the lady by her shirt and tossed her, she landed in Spikes lap. "Hello Luv." 

Xander made little whimpering sounds and moved by Buffy for protection. Willow   
turned and finally took in the sight of Oz and Mick. She fainted. 

~*~End 5~*~   
Willow came out of the black Oozy pit she'd been in to hear screaming. Lots and lots of   
screaming. Buffy was screaming at Oz not to touch Willow, Xander was screaming at   
Buffy to protect him, Giles screaming at Xander to shut up, and That chick who had been   
trying to kill Xander screaming at Spike to let her the hell up. 

Willow groaned at opened her eyes, her head hurt. She blinked a few times and realized   
she was looking into the blue/green depths of... Oz. Willow also realized that her head   
was cradled against Oz's lap.. "Oz." She mumbled and sat up quickly. What had   
happened? 

Buffy stopped screaming and mumbled something under her breath and turned around   
and told Xander to be quiet or she'd give him to the chick to hack up. Xander shut up but   
smiled, his protector was back on the clock. Giles came and kneeled by Willow.   
"Willow, are you all right?" he asked placing a supportive hand on her shoulder. She   
turned to look at him reluctantly not wanting to stop staring at Oz.. he was back. 

"Yes, I'm fine.. I guess.. I thought I saw.." just then Mick appeared by Oz. 

"Hey man, is she okay?" Oz wasn't listening. His whole world was Willow. Mick rolled   
his eyes. Willow stared at the Double Oz. Her eyes becoming huge. She opened her   
mouth to say something but no sound came out. 

Willow's eyes flew from Oz to Mick and back to Oz. "Huh?" 

"Hey, I'm Mick... I guess Pnub and I are your friend's guardian angels or some shit like   
that." He said pointing at Xander. Xander puffed up his chest. "Cool, I get guardian   
angels." 

"your gonna need them Satan's spawn LET ME UP!!!!!!" The chick screamed from   
Spike's lap batting him away. 

"Aw come on pet, I'm not gonna hurt you." Spike said never loosing his grip on her. If she   
killed Xander he wouldn't have a comfy chair to sleep in. 

Willow stood up, she was gonna go into shock. Not only was Oz back but there was a   
double of him. 

"Why does Xander need guardian angels.. and why are you trying to kill him?" Buffy   
asked starring at the chick. 

"His hand has been infected with the devils soul he must be destroyed! He's *e-vi-l*" The   
lady said doing that weird thing that people tend to do when they say Evil. 

"My hand is *not* infected! It's just having some spazamistic problems!" Xander said   
from behind Buffy. She moved away from him and he squeaked and followed her. 

"Your hands not the only spaz around here." Spike mumbled and growled when the chick   
hit him where it counts. "Bloody Bitch." He mumbled and grabbed her arms pinning   
them behind her. 

"Oz, what are you doing back?" Willow asked finally coming out of her daze. 

"I.. I got attacked and came for help. From Giles or Xander.. but it seems Xander was the   
one who attacked me ironically enough." Oz said getting to his feet and moving next to   
her. "Will.. I'm so sor.." she smacked him. Hard. Cutting off the sentence. Everyone in   
the room froze at sound and stared at the couple. 

"NO! Don't even *start* With the I'm sorry fest! I don't want to hear it!" Willow glared.   
Oz looked crushed. 

"Will..." he was cut off by her mouth. She was kissing him, why.. was she kissing him?   
He'd ruined her life.. ripped out her heart and did a little jig on it. And she was kissing   
him. 

"I don't want to hear I'm sorry, it's not necessary. I don't want you to grovel. Just never,   
EVER leave me again." She said quietly in his ear. Oz hugged her. 

"Never." 

Pnub and Mick *awwed* At the same time and then snorted. They shut up when Buffy   
glared at them, Pnub floated over to her. "Hey Babe, how do you feel about angels?"   
something like hurt flashed in her eyes and she turned around and stalked over to Giles.   
~*~End 6~*~ 

The chick was loose. She'd stuck a knife into Spikes leg that had   
missed. He was hoping   
around cursing about bloody woman. Xander was running up Giles stairs   
trying to get   
away from the crazy lady with a knife and Buffy was trying to trip her. 

"Buffy get her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Xander screamed and jumped off the   
bannister like superman   
screaming the whole way down. He landed where Mick happened to be   
floating. Xander   
got a chill up his spin and shivered. Mick looked totally disgusted. 

"Ewww, dude, gross." The chick leaped after Xander landing in a much   
more graceful   
way and lunged. "Nooooo" Xander moaned but he couldn't get his legs to   
work! He was   
too damned cold! He pulled his handcuffed hands in and rolled into a   
ball. 

Oz lunged at the chick grabbing her around the waist. They landed   
against the staircase   
and Oz held her there as she pounded on his back. He grunted but didn't   
move not letting   
her up. 

"GILES!" Buffy and Willow were screaming in unison he was trying to find   
a cure for   
Xander to stop this craziness. 

Xander screamed in completely agony, his right hand had a hold of his   
*cough*. Xander   
tried to rip it away but it hurt more. Mick and Pnub winced. "That's   
gotta hurt." Xander   
was bright red and couldn't seem to stop his high pitched screaming. 

"HERE!" Giles yelled finally. "Willow, grab me some hand lotion, Buffy   
nail clippers."   
They stared at him. "NOW, the boy is in pain!"   
Buffy took off to look for Giles's nail clippers, Willow for the lotion.   
Giles went to help   
Xander. 

"Damn, that's gotta be worse then what happened in that movie y'know?   
About that   
chick.. Mary? I mean Owwie." Pnub said tilting his head at Xander. 

Xander eye's were completely rolled in the back of his head in pain,   
complete agony. Giles   
was trying to remove the hand and it wouldn't budge. "Buggers got a   
grip" Giles   
grumbled. 

Pnub and Mick nodded, "Sure as hell does." 

The chick was still trying to get away from Oz, she was trying to get   
her arms free where   
he had them pinned at her sides. She was kicking him in the stomach and   
trying to head   
but him, nothing moved him. He had to hold her down until they finished   
the ceremony. 

"Shit, man.. he's turnin purple. For the love of all that is holy! Stop   
this insanity!!" Mick screamed and moved over to Xander. "Hold on, Dude,   
they're gonna fix you all up." Xander was reduced to hysterical   
whimpers. 

"Found um!"Buffy said holding up the old clippers proudly. Willow came   
up with   
vanilla peach lotion she'd found in Giles bathroom. She didn't want to   
know. 

"Perfect, Buffy, do go pry.. Xanders hand away from his.. erhm. Your   
going to have to   
hold it down while we do the ceremony. Spike? I need you and Willow to   
come over here..   
we need to stand at three points." 

Buffy pried Xander's hand away from himself with much effort. It was   
even tough with   
her slayer strength. Finally she got it loose and pinned it to the   
ground at the wrist palm   
up as Giles instructed. Willow dumped a large blob of lotion in Xanders   
palm and Buffy   
smeared the slippery substance all over his fingers and the back of his   
hand. Willow   
handed her the clippers. 

"Buffy, cut off the nail as I finish each sentence. Alright?" Buffy   
nodded and grabbed   
Xander's finger. 

"Buff! Careful! Please god.." Xander was in tears from the pain of his   
groin. 

Buffy shushed him and Giles started instructing Spike and Willow. "Now   
first you have   
to slap your hands against your thighs like this... twice, then clap   
your hands twice.. over..   
under.. and continue doing that through the ceremony." Willow stared.   
Spike glared. 

"I am not doing the bloody HAND JIVE god damnit! I'm in PAIN!" he   
complained. 

"How do you think Xander feels? Eh? Want me to give you a little taste?"   
Giles asked   
raising a foot as if to kick Spike. Spike backed up. "No. I'll do the   
hand jive." Spike   
mumbled some curses under his breath. Willow was watching Oz struggle   
with the chick,   
and Xander's hand was twitching uncontrollably. 

"We should hurry." She said and began hand jiving. 

"novel.. idea.." Buffy said she was looking her grip. 

Pnub and Mick shrugged and hand jived along with Willow and Spike. 

"By the powers of the thumb, I call thee!" Giles boomed. "Clear this   
hand of the devil!   
Put it back to its riotous works!" 

Buffy clipped off the thumb finger nail. 

"By the power of the index finger, I call thee! Clear this hand of   
satan! Put it back to its   
riotous work!" 

Clip. 

"By the power of the middle finger, I call thee! Clear this hand of   
Lucifer! Put it back to   
its riotous work!" 

Clip. 

This went on until Buffy finally snipped off the pinkie. 

"EVIL BE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Giles shouted and black icky nasty gas   
began to   
sprout from Xander's fingers. Buffy choked and fell back as the smell of   
tar and peach-   
vanilla lotion filled the room. 

"Foul." Mick said and backed up. The chick had stopped struggling so Oz   
let her up.   
Xander stared at his hand and flexed his fingers. "My hand! YES!   
BETTER!!" He said   
and stood up and grabbed Buffy yanking her into a crushing hug. 

"Aww Xand, I'm happy for ya." Buffy mumbled trying to get away. He   
smelled. 

"Wills!" Xander said and lunged for her. She moved out of the way and   
Xander ended up   
holding Spike. They both pushed away from each other, sending Spike   
crashing over   
Giles's side table and onto the floor. 

Willow moved next to Oz and he grinned at her. 

"When the hell do I get to kill somebody? Lazy asses all get turned back   
into Normal..   
damnit." The dark haired chick mumbled and walked out the front door. 

Pnub and Mick did their little *Banished Evil* Dance and stepped back   
through the wall.   
Then Mick's head popped back through the yellow paint. "Remember dude,   
Idle hands   
are the devil's play pin." 

--End-- 


End file.
